Love.
What does it mean to you? How do you define it?
There are many forms of love. Love is everywhere if you open your eyes and look for it. It isn't all about romantic love, although I think this is one of the most idolized forms of love!
These are moments of love. A beautiful sunset, spending time in nature taking in a beautiful view of the mountains, our furry companions, our family, our friends, our hobbies, the places we love, the things or experiences we love.
Love is everywhere if you look for it! In this season of my life, I have indeed, been thinking a lot about romantic love. I'll be turning 34 in April and after having gone through a break up last year, I have been moving through a process of inquiry and reflection. My path with respect to romantic love has not been an easy one. I deeply admire couples who meet at a young age and remain together for a lifetime, although, I’ve learned even those romances aren’t necessarily as “smooth” or “easy” as one might think. Nevertheless, I have always admired and desired for myself that kind of deep, lasting connection. My path in love so far has not turned out like the love and romance I idealize. I have found myself in multiple relationships through the years and with each significant connection, I have learned a little bit more about love and A LOT about myself. I think our closest relationships often serve as mirrors, at least in my experience, and reflect back to us some of the biggest lessons we are here to learn. Perhaps we all have different "schools of learning" in life. If that's the case, relationships have certainly been one of my best teachers.
For the past six or so months, I have been working through accepting what is. Where I am at right now in life. Striving to integrate where I need to take responsibility for my part in a significant chapter of my life. I have found myself needing time to reset and cleanse my heart and mind. I have needed time to reflect and get clear on how I want to show up going forward in my most intimate relationships. The past six or so years taught me a lot about “what not to do” in love if you want to keep a relationship strong. When it comes to romantic love, I have made a lot of mistakes and I've been shown parts of myself that I would care not to admit are there!
That is part of the beauty of life and the people who come into our life -- we never stop learning, growing or changing. We have successes, we have failures, we love, we lose, we experience highs, we experience lows, we lose ourselves, we find ourselves.
Our life journey isn't intended to be a straight and easy path, it is the twists and turns and forks in the road that make up the grand adventure. And it’s not so much about the final destination as it is the experiences and scenery along the way that color our lives with meaning. The people we encounter and meet throughout our journey, and the experiences that we go through, are a big part of what shape us and guide us toward discovering our most authentic selves. And as I take this sacred time to pause, reflect, let go and open to a new chapter, I feel inspired to share a little about what I've learned about love through the years and seasons of my life. Please keep in mind we all have different lessons and experiences, so take what resonates and leave the rest.
Here it goes!
What I Know Now, That I Wish I Knew Then
I started dating young. Too young. I made some irresponsible choices along the way, struggled with low self-esteem and put up with a lot of bullshit at various interludes. Looking back, I see that I focused too much on relationships and not enough on figuring out who I was. I grew up with a Father who was not very present in my life. I never felt valued by him or as if I could depend on the “man” in my life and thus I craved attention, acceptance and love from the opposite sex. Rather than focusing on self-love, honoring my needs and going after what brought me happiness and fulfillment from the inside, I sought to fill the empty places within me, the unmet needs and desire to feel loved and valued, through another. Looking back on my younger self and everything I've learned up until this point, here’s the advice I would have given myself if I knew then, what I know now. We are all on a journey of "becoming"...
Focus on self-love - the most important relationship of all. Focus on pursuing what makes your heart sing. Fall in love with yourself before you fall in love with another. Don't look to someone else to fulfill your unmet needs. I think oftentimes as adults, we repeat unresolved childhood patterns/wounds if we don't take the time to understand and heal from our past, and focus on taking responsibility for ourselves.
Don’t mistake “sex” for “love”.
They are two different things. If you are seeking depth, listen to your inner voice and honor it. It knows if someone has your best interest at heart and if there is a genuine connection. Sex without love, without emotional connection, without mutual respect and understanding, lacks a certain tenderness and depth. It’s worth waiting for a person you feel a genuine and mutual connection. Don’t shy away from setting boundaries, those who love you and truly care about you will understand and respect your needs. And if they don't understand and respect your needs, they aren't worth your time.
When you get hurt in love– it’s natural to want to rebel.
I think the most empowering thing you can do is sit with your hurt, and have an honest, vulnerable conversation with the person that hurt you. Decide if you love that person enough to forgive them and not give up on them, or each other. Depending on the answer, resolve matters or move on.
Don’t allow someone else to disrespect you or treat you like shit.
If you love someone and they errr, you may choose to forgive them. Or in the case of family, you find ways to cope. However, when someone screws you over again and again, and treats you disrespectfully, love yourself enough to end that relationship or in case of family, distance yourself.
Don’t sacrifice your integrity to people please. Honor your boundaries and don’t abandon yourself. Those who genuinely love you, care about you and respect you, will stand by your side.
Selfishness kills love. Lack of compromise kills love. Be willing to negotiate. Strive to work through disagreements constructively.
Relationships need tending to keep the flame burning brightly. Lack of tending to the relationship dims the flame. Love and relationships take consistent work & effort, on both lover’s part! A good relationship isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon. Tend to the fire between you, show your partner through words and actions how much they mean to you, how much you appreciate them and how grateful you are for their presence in your life.
“That’s another lesson I’ve learned the hard way. All relationships will die if they aren’t nurtured. Just as a flower will die if it’s not watered. Because love is demonstration, not declaration.” — Patti LaBelle
When you’re upset or pissed off, it’s best to talk things out and lay your frustrations out on the table. Don’t brush problems under the rug. Don’t hold things in until you explode. Don't keep secrets. Face problems and frustrations head on. Share your feelings. Be vulnerable!
Listen. What is your partner needing from you? What are you needing from your partner? Respect each others needs – and do what you can to be there for your partner. We can't fill ALL of each other needs, yet we can try to support each other with the things that matter most.
Don’t stay in a relationship if you know it is time to let go. It’s not doing you any good, and it’s not doing your partner any good if your goals and desired lifestyles do not align, or if your hearts have simply grown apart or grown out of alignment. We all grow in different ways and in our own time. Some of us are meant to walk side by side for a lifetime, while others are meant to walk different paths. Loss in any form sucks - it is painful. And so isn't abandoning yourself and the truth in your heart.
Pick your battles. When you’re with someone 24/7 the truth of the matter is they are going to annoy the shit out of you at times. I've learned, it is best to let the small stuff go. Focus on what REALLY matters. Focus on what you appreciate & admire about your partner and let the small, minor annoyances and disagreements go.
Sprinkle in novelty and adventure! We all get stuck in our routines and when we experience something new together, those are the memories that we can look back upon fondly. And in the process of engaging in novel experiences together, we may see sides of our partner we've never seen before! It's good to keep things fresh and exciting, to cultivate a sense of adventure and not forget to have fun together!
Be present with one another. Give each other your full attention, even if it is for 10 minutes a day. Have a coffee together, have a cocktail together, dance together, talk about your shitty day, or talk about your amazing day! Make time to connect, and spend time with each other and be present with one another.
Be honest and authentic. Speak the truth with love. Bring everything to your partner. Commit to having awkward talks. Don’t keep secrets or hide the parts of yourself you aren’t proud of if you want to be truly “seen” and “accepted” for who you are. At the end of the day isn’t that what we all want – to be loved unconditionally? We want to feel fully accepted – the best parts of us, and the worst parts. We want our partner to know us fully – the good, the bad the ugly, and still love us and accept us wholeheartedly.
Approach your relationship as “we” not “I, me, my”. I am very independent and I struggle with this one. I struggle with fear of abandonment, trust and sharing (yep, one of those things I'd care not to admit). However, I have come to realize that we accomplish so much more together, than alone. This is true in any relationship be it romantic, work, community, and so on. When we combine our resources, skills, strengths and minds -- we can achieve much more together than on our own. Interdependence is where it is at folks. Not codependence, and not complete independence. I think it is important to know how to stand on your own two feet when push comes to shove. At the same time, we need each other!
These are just a few of the lessons I've learned in love, and I am certain there are many nuances and other truths when it comes to the ART OF LOVING. I would like to conclude with some of my ALL TIME favorite resources on love. To love!
~Namaste~
Leo Buscgalia Books: I love Leo!
Love: What Life Is All About; Living Loving and Learning; Loving Each Other
If the Buddha Dated/Married Book
The Invitation Poem, holy beautiful! http://www.oriahmountaindreamer.com/
Self Love: What's in your love kit?
Bill Kelley Workshop on "Inviting More Love Into Your Life"
Self Love Article- https://www.bbrfoundation.org/blog/self-love-and-what-it-means
Rising Woman Article on "Conscious Relationships" https://risingwoman.com/conscious-relationship-self-realization/
Lastly, what would a write up on love, BY ME, be without a love tune? Can't play a musical instrument worth a damn or sing, but music is by far one of my greatest loves in this life.
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